November 22, 2007

The More Things Change...

I'm seriously surprised that it has taken me so long to get this way, but for the first time in my life, I really feel like I just want to be alone (as in, no significant other) and be especially selfish. I want to be myself and play Xbox when I want, go out when I want, talk to anyone that I want, eat what I want when I want (more on this later) and just be the guy that I wanted to be in college but never felt the significance of how much it would change my lifestyle.

The "relationship that almost was" is over and I couldn't feel better about it. Not because I don't like her (she's way fun) but because even in the early stages of the BF/GF thing that it almost was, I still felt trapped in a cage. I needed me time to do, literally, nothing.

Now that I am focused on me being me, I really want to spend some time improving myself. I'd like to shed some needed poundage and find out what the hell I want to do after I graduate. I've spent a lot of time being concerned with how I am perceived by others, but at this point I think that ship has sailed. However people view me now isn't likely to change, and even if it did, I'm not going to worry about that anymore.

I could ramble on about all the ways I am wasting away both physically and mentally, but that would be too depressing. Instead of eating fast food on a whim 4-5 times a week, I can have a tuna sandwich at home. Instead of spending my Friday nights on the computer, I can go out and enjoy the company of my friends. Instead of playing Xbox during the afternoons, I can work on outlines and my reading.

I know this sounds a little contradictory to the first paragraph, but when I say "I want to play Xbox when I want," I mean that I don't want to feel guilty about it or feel like I need to "grow up." And when I say that I want to eat what I want when I want, I mean that eating a salad doesn't make me less of a man! (especially the greek salad at Panera).

I think at this point the hate that I have for myself has finally been faced with an ultimatum: keep doing what you've been doing, and you'll keep getting what you've been getting (which is fatter, mediocre grades, and no self-worth).

So here it is folks, mark it down. I'm going to start being the guy I wanted to be when I moved to law school over a year ago.

[update: I just realized that all this was a very round-about way of saying that I am having an identity crisis and I need to figure out "who I am."]


Sari said...

I second that. We can be changing for the better buddies, i will watch your back if you watch mine?

Counsellor in Cultivation said...

yay for being single.

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