Finally...

A select few of you knew this story was coming, so here it is:

I recently drove almost 1500 miles to come back to school. Along the way I stopped in a tiny town in Iowa. I had to stop for gas but figured I'd grab a little grub while I was there since it was around 6:30 pm. I walked in and immediately started looking for something to eat, although at this point I was craving something WITHOUT high-fructose corn syrup. Before I decided on something I realized that I REALLY needed to use the little boys' room. I found it around the corner and had to force the door open because it weighed 200 lbs. It was then I felt like I walked into a Tarantino movie. As I walked in I noticed that the fluorescent light above the sink was flickering, adding an ominous glow to the semi-dark room. Above me, through the cheap, treble-enhanced speakers, "Willy and the Hand Jive" was playing (if you don't know this song, look it up, it makes the whole story better). I made my way past 2 non-functioning stalls to a questionable urinal. Then, as if directed by Tarantino himself, the door swung open with a loud creak. A generally unsavory character came in and, in my mind, queued by the music, he looked me up and down and cracked a smile while my palms started to sweat and I began shaking with fear and started searching for my happy place. (OK, that last part was all in my head). But he came in as I finished up so I made my way to the sink, which, not surprisingly, didn't work. I used sink #2, washed my hands, took one last look at the movie set I just walked in on and made my way back through the 200 lb door. But wait, there's more. I still have a craving to address so I ask the cashier lady if they have any fruit. Her response, "not fresh." Remember that this is a truck stop. My immediate response, again, in my head, is "well, how old? Like 2 days?" Of course I don't say this and the mere thought of 2-day old truck stop fruit is enough to make anyone spew. Cashier lady leads me to an aisle with, duh, fruit cups. I sigh with relief, grab some peaches and a diet pepsi and get out of there ASAP. The End.

New Addition to Webster's

ad nau·se·am, adv: 1. Latin term used to describe something that has been continuing "to the point of nausea." 2. To a disgusting or ridiculous degree. 3. Discussion of Michael Vick during tonight's Monday Night Football game.

Vindication

Finally...

The former head of the NBA referees union and a league official for 26 years, Mike Mathis:

Remember when Jordan hit that winning shot? I'm going to give you exactly what the commentators said: 'What a great move by Michael.' Was that a great move or was that an offensive foul? There was no question it was a push-off. No buts about it. The only buts you can have is, 'Well, it was Michael Jordan.' That was a defining moment.

This was in reference to Jordan's game winning shot in game 6 of the 1998 finals. My soul was crushed that day.

This is too much...

OK, this is verbatim, 100% from the complaint itself and I am not making this up:

Jonathan Lee Riches A/K/A
"secured party,"
Plaintiff

v

Barry Bonds;
Alan H. "Bud" Selig;
Hank Aaron's Bat
Defendants

Complaint

"Fraud Against Mankind"
"Batman and Identity Robbin"

This is a complaint under Bivens, civil rights violations by the Constitution and the laws of the United States; and Federal tort claims inflicted by that include, but not limited to; Bat assault, HGH violations, Treason, Major Fraud, Skimming the books, illegal moonshine, Terrorism, social security Fraud, Treason, stalking, Identity theft, copyright Infringement, false information, Illegal electronics wiretapping, Bad Debt.

Comes now the Plaintiff Jonathan Lee Riches A/K/A "Secured Party" D/B/A "The White Suge Knight," in Pro-Se, moves this Honorable Court to issue an order for all DEFENDANT'S named in this suit to give a response. Plaintiff requests a Jury trial.

I am not going to type the rest because it's just too much work, but here are the rest of the high points:

• Requests injunction against defendants and their pets
• Claims his federal, state, local, and underground constitutional rights are being violated
• Requests $42,000,000 in Swiss Francs (certified money order) to be deposited into a lock-box in Des Moines
• His claims are
• Selig gave Bonds steroids at booth #11 at the Steak and Shake in I-70 and Robert Novak and Judith Miller have the transcripts
• Bonds uses Aaron's corked bat during games because it has secret compartments for the HGH
• Bonds was responsible for getting him federally indicted in Houston for attempting to expose Selig's steroid/cocaine abuse
• Bonds bench-pressed him to show off for his ballpark buddies
• Selig sold steroids to nuns
• (this is my fav) Bonds used Aaron's bat to crack the Liberty Bell
• Bonds stole his identity, got a mortgage from lendingtree.com, then burned the house down and took the insurance money
• Plaintiff won Aaron's bat at an auction at Sotheby's. Bonds sent hitmen to his house to get it and stole things from the "refrig." (attached exhibit has a list of food items)
• Bond's has a gambling debt with the Gambino's and fixed games 5, 6, and 7 of the World Series
• Bonds sold mustard gas to Saddam Hussein

In case you're wondering, this IS the same guy suing Mike Vick for stealing his pit-bulls, selling them on Ebay and using the money to buy missiles from Iran. He is suing Vick for $63,000,000,000 (that Billion, with a B).

I would LOVE to see this go to trial, "Mr. Bonds, isn't it true that you stole a ham sandwich from my fridge and then sold mustard gas to Saddam Hussein?" This is the kind of guy that would question himself on the stand.

Headline we will soon see...

DEMOCRATS BLAME BUSH ADMINISTRATION FOR FALL OF ROMAN EMPIRE, KENNEDY ASSASSINATION, STONEHENGE, AND BATTLEFIELD EARTH

Say what?

Each of the following 2 phrases/reactions have been offered to me TWICE in the last week:

• "Are you taller?"
• "Really?" (in response to me giving them my weight, as in "you don't look it"...in a good way)

I is forgetting

I found an Econ paper I wrote in undergrad and I have no idea what it means:

Whenever the demand curves are linear the output changes in both markets are equal but in opposite directions, so the actual output doesn't change (Viscusi 288). The loss is attributed to the reallocation from those who put a high value on the product to those who put a low value on the product.

When examining case law, there are two categories of violation, primary and secondary line discrimination. The first is when a firm prices to lessen competition by harming its rivals. Secondary line is accomplished by injuring competition in the buyers' market. The two cases to be examined are Utah Pie, (386 U.S. 685) for the primary line and Morton Salt, (334 U.S. 37) for secondary line.

Maybe it's because it's late and my brain is already in stand-by mode, but I wish I could re-write this paper with my newly acquired legal brain.

I shouldn't have to tell you

but it's not wise to accept the word of a politician (especially one running for office) as fact.

Words Cannot Describe...

...how excited I get for football. I seriously can't wait any longer, my head might explode. This is the WORST time of year because training camps have started (but no real games), fantasy football is being coordinated (but I can only look at the rankings so many times), there's no NBA, and baseball has lost a lot of excitement (aside from Barry's HR tonight). We are SO close, SO SO close...

here are some videos to help you understand why I am excited:



Just LISTENING to this gives me chills:






And just for good measure:



This is why fall is the best season of all. But if I had to list the ONE thing that sends chills down my spine every time, it would be the Monday Night Football song by Hank Williams, Jr. When he starts saying, "c'mon get ready...I MEAN get ready..." I start thinking, "I'M READY, I'M READY!!" "ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!?" Ahhhhhhhhhh, and my day is complete.

Step 1:

In order to prepare for my impending hot wing challenge, I went to Winger's tonight and had a dozen wings with their "Too-Hot-to-Handle" sauce. The sauce itself was pretty weak...DELICIOUS, but weak, so I had to supplement it with some DAVE'S INSANITY SAUCE. This sauce rates a 51,000 on the scoville scale. That sounds like a lot until you realize that the sauce I will be experiencing rates between 200,000-350,000 (depending on the season). Additionally, it appears that my biggest hurdle will actually be the time limit. 12 wings in under 6 minutes is harder than it sounds, ESPECIALLY when your brain is telling you, in a not so subtle way, that any minute steam will be coming out of your ears. I need to get my eat time down to 5:30, then I need to up the sauce temperature. GAME ON!

No more whining

For all of those who bitch and moan about the President wanting to spy on citizens and generally be a dictator, let me remind you that the DEMOCRATIC Congress just passed a bill that expanded electronic surveillance. Granted they have only a slight margin, but the bill passed by MUCH more than a slight margin, 60-28 and 227-183. So it's not like a couple Dems decided to cross the aisle, turns out it was more than a couple. Maybe we ought to start paying a little closer attention to Congress than the Pres right now; after all, he can't pass legislation all by himself.

I CAN SEE!!

I had my LASIK today, here's the video. The first one is when the laser creates a whole bunch of tiny bubbles that separates the tissue and essentially creates the flap. Video #2 is the actual lasik procedure, kinda gross, but not bad. It was all totally painless. Now I have to spend the next month dumping gallons of chemicals in my eyes.
(check out the 2:42 mark in the first vid)





Cool, huh?

I like Jazz

So the Jazz just signed Ronnie Price. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Ronnie Price, the Jazz, or the West Wing, let me clear this up...

THIS is Ronnie Price:

Yes, that is Ronnie posterizing my boy Carlos Boozer. (For the record, the Jazz won that game, went to the playoffs and made it to the conference finals, the same cannot be said for the Kings). This is the guy the Jazz just signed. This is akin to the episode where Sam gets PWNT by Ainsley then they hire her afterwards. If I were in the Jazz locker room, I would be teasing Booz relentlessly. Until, of course, Boozer stood next to me (he's 9 inches taller than me) and subsequently snapped my neck like a pretzel.

I love true office confessions

I found this site on Monday and I love it. When I checked today I saw this one:

These get posted throughout the day but not immediately after they're submitted. So the next one could not have been a response even though it is the NEXT comment:

Priceless...

What will they think of next?

Advertising on the yellow lines between parking spaces...

I saw this at Carl's* and thought it was just at Carl's. I was wrong:

Someone is making a lot of money off of this and they're laughing all the way to the bank.

*I had the pineapple teriyaki burger. VERY good, although I HATE the stupid radio commercials

I loves me some Homer

thanks to Jake at work for this