August 16, 2007

This is too much...

OK, this is verbatim, 100% from the complaint itself and I am not making this up:

Jonathan Lee Riches A/K/A
"secured party,"


Barry Bonds;
Alan H. "Bud" Selig;
Hank Aaron's Bat


"Fraud Against Mankind"
"Batman and Identity Robbin"

This is a complaint under Bivens, civil rights violations by the Constitution and the laws of the United States; and Federal tort claims inflicted by that include, but not limited to; Bat assault, HGH violations, Treason, Major Fraud, Skimming the books, illegal moonshine, Terrorism, social security Fraud, Treason, stalking, Identity theft, copyright Infringement, false information, Illegal electronics wiretapping, Bad Debt.

Comes now the Plaintiff Jonathan Lee Riches A/K/A "Secured Party" D/B/A "The White Suge Knight," in Pro-Se, moves this Honorable Court to issue an order for all DEFENDANT'S named in this suit to give a response. Plaintiff requests a Jury trial.

I am not going to type the rest because it's just too much work, but here are the rest of the high points:
  • Requests injunction against defendants and their pets
  • Claims his federal, state, local, and underground constitutional rights are being violated
  • Requests $42,000,000 in Swiss Francs (certified money order) to be deposited into a lock-box in Des Moines
  • His claims are
    • Selig gave Bonds steroids at booth #11 at the Steak and Shake in I-70 and Robert Novak and Judith Miller have the transcripts
    • Bonds uses Aaron's corked bat during games because it has secret compartments for the HGH
    • Bonds was responsible for getting him federally indicted in Houston for attempting to expose Selig's steroid/cocaine abuse
    • Bonds bench-pressed him to show off for his ballpark buddies
    • Selig sold steroids to nuns
    • (this is my fav) Bonds used Aaron's bat to crack the Liberty Bell
    • Bonds stole his identity, got a mortgage from, then burned the house down and took the insurance money
    • Plaintiff won Aaron's bat at an auction at Sotheby's. Bonds sent hitmen to his house to get it and stole things from the "refrig." (attached exhibit has a list of food items)
    • Bond's has a gambling debt with the Gambino's and fixed games 5, 6, and 7 of the World Series
    • Bonds sold mustard gas to Saddam Hussein
In case you're wondering, this IS the same guy suing Mike Vick for stealing his pit-bulls, selling them on Ebay and using the money to buy missiles from Iran. He is suing Vick for $63,000,000,000 (that Billion, with a B).

I would LOVE to see this go to trial, "Mr. Bonds, isn't it true that you stole a ham sandwich from my fridge and then sold mustard gas to Saddam Hussein?" This is the kind of guy that would question himself on the stand.

1 comment:

nicolle said...

jonathan lee riches (c), d/b/a "secured party" is my HERO. his lawsuits are the funniest things ever.

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