September 7, 2007

Revelations

I don't know if it's because I got into the game too late or if it's fallout from the really awesome rumor that my ex started about me after we broke up, but for some reason the "cool" kids still can't seem to accept me. I figure this is for 1 of several reasons, or a combination:

  1. Possible lingering (false) rumor about my sexual orientation
  2. I don't drink beer until I pass out
  3. I don't have a hot bod
  4. I'm not one of the "smart kids" (i.e. top 25%/law review)
  5. I'm not wild and crazy
  6. I'm not an asshole
I just got back from a party where I could literally stand in the same spot for 15 minutes and nobody would say more than, "hi," to me. I tried to be sociable, I walked around and chatted with people, but once they see that other person that's really cool, the convo ends. I'm like the guy who knows a lot of people but isn't really friends with anyone. Clearly there are exceptions to this and they have set themselves apart from the rest, but, as stated in previous posts, I need more guy friends. This is also for several reasons, one of which is, again, that really cool rumor from spring semester, the other is that I would like to be able to talk to other guys about guy stuff, i.e., girls, sports, girls, douchebags from class, and girls. Guys' minds work much different from girls' and I need more of that kind of stimulation. There are some guys that I hang out with occasionally but it's always through my roommate and it's clear that I am the "tag-along." My roommate is my closest friend here and we get along great and he likes to hang out with me, so when he's going out I get invited to go out with the guys who seem to have already passed on anointing me as a "cool" kid.

I'd like to have more friends in general and more guy friends specifically. I'd like if just once, someone would say, "hey, where's _________ ?" And hope that I showed up. I'd like if any of those people (who seem to be good people with high school clique mentalities) would take a step back from their beer pong and flirting and take a look at the big picture.

I don't want to sound desperate to join the "cool" kids. I just want to feel like an equal, rather than the guy who sometimes comes out and sometimes is fun but we really don't talk to him that much. I'd really like to leave this place with better memories than sitting by myself for 15 minutes before anyone even noticed I was there; why was I sitting there all by myself? Because every conversation I try to join feels so forced and contrived that it's painful. But again, I imagine that the people who read this are NOT the ones I'm talking about, the people who read this are real friends who understand me and DO call me to hang out. There doesn't seem to be a happy medium anywhere; I enjoy hanging with my friends, but it never feels complete, like someone is missing. I'm sure there's a part of me that is only concerned about not looking like the gay friend (again, enhanced by the really classy rumor), but if I'm with my friends I shouldn't care, right? Cripes, what a night...

4 comments:

Sari said...

Scrum, my dear. I am going to tell you something and I am being totally sincere.

You are Jim Halpert. This is a VERY good thing. Jim is written to be sweet, sincere, attractive in a nerdy way, intelligent without being irritating, and the guy that every father dreams his daughter will bring home to meet him. You have all of these qualities. Trust me, your ability to shotgun a beer and wear your shirts unbuttoned to your chest is not something i have ever looked for in a friend or boyfriend.

You are my friend because you are all of the above and not because you are one of the "cool kids". So i see absolutely nothing wrong with you not fitting the profile that these guys and apparently the people around them seem to think you should. Don't let this get you down.

Spicy Law Girl said...

I really think it's the people law school attracts. Clearly, you have your friends that are real and care about you. The rest can go to hell in a handbasket.

Vick said...

fyi:
I love you and miss you.
and, (while this may be late as you already feel better) you ARE the cool kid. And, likely the best heterosexual, available male in the class (or,you know, the school).

p.s. I'm sorry I'm girl and can't talk about women with the same, shall we say, joy de vive, as a male friend. :)

Justice Moustache said...

I would also add that this post was made at 10:06pm on the night you attended a party... That would mean you left by 9:30, 9:45 at the latest--just before people cross the threshold from tipsy to slizzard and the fun stuff really gets going.

The spicy girl up top has a great point... law school isn't exactly a gathering of the socially apt. Many of these kids were awkward outcasts their whole lives and the only social contact they know is what they learned from a frat or sorority they weaseled into four years ago.

 
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